Vampire Half
by Largo
Summary: You've read those stories where becoming a vampire solves all the victim's problems and is the best thing to happen to them? Yeah, this isn't one of those.
1. Chapter 1

**Vampire Half**

Notes - Not sure what to do with this so I'm dropping it here in case someone thinks it's amusing. It's kinda just a gag fic about Ranma dying over and over, not even sure if it's worth continuing. Might end up sticking it in my Dead Files.

I've cleaned this up a little, changing Death's speech to have quotes around it, but leaving it caps as that appears to be the most common form used in other fics featuring Terry Pratchett's Death.

**Death is Only the Beginning...**

"It burns! It burns! Waaaah!" The pained cry from one Ranma Saotome broke the silence that had fell over the training grounds of Jusenkyo. Actually, it was more like it shattered it with a heavy blunt object and kept battering at the tiny pieces of it's corpse until it was a broken, bruised and a bloody unidentifiable jelly like lump.

Ranma wasn't one to usually panic and run around in circles with arms flapping uselessly like some kind of demented ostrich that thought it could really fly, well, unless he had run into a cat, but that was neither here nor now. You see, Ranma had just pulled himself, or now herself, out of the cursed pool of drowned vampire girl, who according to what she had heard seconds before hitting it from the Jusenkyo Guide had drowned tragically there over three hundred years ago. The newest member of the undead had no idea why she had suddenly felt very, very hot. Neither did she know why the end of her ponytail burst into flame, but even if she did, the results would be the same anyway. Screaming like a little girl on fire.

Above the cursed pools, an athletic giant panda, balanced on one of the bamboo poles sticking out of the pools and watched on in horror. The panda bear isn't known for being especially active or as skilled as this one was. That was because it was actually Ranma's father, Genma Saotome, recently cursed to be the black and white bear.

'I'm a panda and the boy is a girl! Nodoka is going to kill us,' Genma thought to himself.

"Stop whinging like a little girl, boy!" Genma called out in disgust as Ranma continued to scream at the top of her lungs and wave her arms about as her skin became to smoke. Even if Ranma could have collected herself enough to ignore the burning pain and listen, she would only have heard "Growlf! Growl! Rawr!"

Ranma's cries increased in pitch as with a whumph of igniting fire, her entire body went up in flames. The inhuman screech of pain and terror that chilled right to the bone was enough to make even Genma realise that something was *really* wrong with Ranma. The literally fiery redhead fell to her knees and held her hands up as if begging for release, even as the flames consumed her flesh in mere moments, far too quick to be natural. Her screams faded as any soft tissue fell off her skeleton as dust, before even the remaining bones collapsed in on themselves and joined the rest of Ranma's remains. All that was left of the cursed martial artist was a small, grey pile of dust and ash.

THe Jusenkyo Guide stood numbly and wondered what had just happened. In all his years as the caretaker of Jusenkyo, he had never seen one of its victims spontaneously combust after exiting a pool. Not knowing what else to do he removed his hat and held it close to his chest in a show of respecting the dead. "Poor Mr. Customer, no?"

Genma jumped down to where Ranma had burned to death before his eyes and fell to his knees. He placed his paws either side of the pile of ash before crying his sorrow to the heavens. "Goooorrrrwwwwwlf!" which translated from panda meant "Nodoka will definitely kill me now!"

x-x-x

"Huh? It...it don't hurt anymore," Ranma Saotome stated in surprise as he could no longer feel the intense burning pain. He took a moment to examine his arms and pat his chest to confirm what he was feeling. He was not a girl anymore and he was most definitely was not on fire.

"I'm a guy...Hahahaha! It was all just a freaky dream! You see this Pops? I'm not a girl at all!" Ranma laughed as he watched his father land next to him.

"Goooorrrrwwwwwlf!"

"Um, Pops? I'm okay," Ranma blinked in surprise at the display of emotion by his pandafied father. When his father continued to cry and ignored him, Ranma grew slightly worried. "Pops? I'm okay. Really, look."

"THAT'S DEBATABLE I'M AFRAID."

Ranma stiffened at hearing, or more exactly feeling the deep voice rumbling inside his head like the heavy wheels of a tank passing by. The Saotome heir swivelled around on the spot to face the direction of the hollow voice. Some instinct made him suspect what he would find even before his eyes even laid upon the nearly seven foot tall, black robed figure. Ranma swallowed the tight lump he felt form in his throat at the sight as two tiny blue glowing pinpricks of light observed him from the empty eye sockets of a skull.

"Ah," Ranma glanced down at the ground at his feet and saw the pile of ash. He put two and two together. "I'm dead right?" he asked, hoping he was wrong. Of course it wasn't every day you saw what had become the most common depiction of death, complete with scythe before you.

"WELL, JUST A LITTLE BIT," Death stated with a shrug.

Ranma glanced down at the pile at his feet. "That's all that left of me?"

"AT LEAST UNTIL THE WIND CHANGES, THAT IS," Death paused as Ranma sent him a withering look.

"Gee, thanks," Ranma muttered as he hung his head. Sixteen years training to be the best and he was killed by being turned into a girl and set on fire. How was that fair? Now he'd never get chance to do...well, it didn't really knew what he wanted to do, but whatever it would have been it would have been awesome.

"SORRY, GALLOWS HUMOUR. LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE," Ranma glanced up as Death spoke again in an attempt to cheer up the deceased martial artist. "YOUR FUNERAL WONT BE EXPENSIVE, SEEING AS YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN CREMATED AND YOUR REMAINS COULD ALWAYS BE RECYCLED."

"Recycled? As what? Plant food?"

"I WAS GOING TO SUGGEST KITTY LITTER ACTUALLY."

"No way am I going to be...k-k-k-feline litter! I hate those evil things!" Ranma shuddered at the horrible thought.

"WELL I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE CATS."

Ranma flinched as he got the distinct impression that Death was now frowning disapprovingly at him, even though his face was just a featureless skull. Ranma grimaced and stepped back holding up his hands to ward off the apparition. There was only one thing to do in such a hopeless situation. "So, er...Look!" Ranma pointed just behind Death, "A ten yen coin!"

"A WHAT?" Death turned to look at the spot Ranma pointed at, humouring the boy. There wasn't anything there, and when he turned back neither was Ranma. "WELL, THAT WASN'T ORIGINAL AT ALL."

"Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!" Ranma chanted as he ran blindly in any direction. "I can't be dead! I - Ooof!" Ranma bounced off something solid and boney and fell back on his behind onto the ground. He stared up in horror as Death stood before him once more. The boy flipped back to his feet in an instant and assumed a ready stance. "I ain't going without a fight!" the martial artist declared as Death reached into his robes. Ranma tensed as the Grim Reaper pulled out an hourglass. It had Ranma Saotome stamped around the base.

"HMMM, THIS IS ODD," Death muttered as he examined the hourglass.

"What? Me wanting to fight you for my life?" Ranma queried.

"OH NO, THAT HAPPENS A LOT ACTUALLY. WHY YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE TYPES OF CHALLENGES I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH, ESPECIALLY FROM YOU JAPANESE. WHY YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY WITH JUST A GAME OF CARDS OR CHESS, I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF MARTIAL ARTS TEA MAKING? NO? MARTIAL ARTS FIGURE SKATING? OR MARTIAL ARTS GYMNASTICS? I TELL YOU, I DON'T SUIT A LEOTARD AT ALL."

"Ah...um...that sounds...really..." Ranma grimaced at the thought of Death in a leotard and decided he didn't want to know. "So, what's odd?" he asked and added under his breath, "Apart from Death admitting to wearing a leotard."

"YOU SEE THIS?" Death pointed a boney digit at the neck of the hourglass that separated the two halves. Ranma nodded. "I WAS CERTAIN YOUR TIME HAD RUN OUT, YET THERE IS A GRAIN STUCK IN THERE. GUESS THAT MEANS YOU'RE STILL HOLDING ONTO LIFE SOMEHOW."

Death shook the hourglass to see whether the grain would shake free and fall. It didn't.

"INTERESTING."

"Hey! don't do that!" Ranma snatched the hourglass out of Death's hands and cuddled it closely to his chest to protect it from the reaper. Then he checked the hourglass and was relieved to see that the grain of sand was still there, stuck in between the two halves. Unmoving. "This means I'm not dead then?" Ranma looked up hopefully at Death who shrugged his shoulders.

"NO, I'M PRETTY CERTAIN YOU'RE NOT ALIVE."

"But this stuck grain means I've still got time right?" Ranma pointed at the hourglass.

"ACTUALLY THAT MEANS YOU'RE UNDEAD."

"Un...dead?"

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID. DID YOU PERCHANCE HAVE ANYTHING YOU NEEDED TO DO BEFORE PASSING ON?" Death asked. Ranma had the strange impression the reaper was trying to be helpful.

"Um," Ranma rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I've never given it much thought."

"DID YOU NEED REVENGE FOR SOMETHING?"

"Don't think so..."

"NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHO MURDERED YOU?" Death suggested.

"I'm pretty sure that was Pops, throwing me into that pool of drowned vampire girl."

"AH, NOW IT MAKES SENSE," Death raised a finger as everything fell into place. In one inhumanly quick movement he smoothly took back the hourglass before Ranma had time to blink and held it up to his face so he could closely examine the timekeeping device.

"It...does?" Ranma paused in the middle of tensing his legs ready in an attempt to grab the hourglass back from Death.

"COME RANMA SAOTOME, I'LL EXPLAIN ON THE WAY BACK TO YOUR BODY," Death indicated for Ranma to follow as he began to walk back the way Ranma had came. Ranma was undecided for a moment, unsure whether to follow Death, but curiosity and not knowing what else to do won out.

"Hey wait up!" Ranma bounded after the reaper. He fell into step besides the personification of death and was forced to take two steps for every one the tall hooded figure took. "So am I dead, undead, alive or what?"

"NEITHER AND ALL."

"Well that makes a lot of sense," Ranma grumbled. He wanted a nice clear answer and received instead a riddle of some sort.

"AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME YOUR HOURGLASS IS ACTING LIKE THAT OF AN UNDEAD, FROZEN IN TIME UNTIL THE MOMENT OF YOUR TRUE DEATH HAPPENS, THEN THIS LAST GRAIN WILL FALL."

"So am I or not dead then?"

"YOU'RE NOT MUCH OF ANYTHING AT THIS MOMENT, ACTUALLY," Death stated and Ranma looked at him with confusion written on his face. "YOU SEE THIS HOURGLASS OF YOURS IS A HUMAN ONE, THAT SHOULD MEAN YOU AREN'T UNDEAD, THEY HAVE THEIR OWN WHICH I KEEP NEATLY SEPARATED ON DIFFERENT SHELVES. BUT THEN, HOW DO WE EXPLAIN WHY YOUR HOURGLASS IS BEHAVING LIKE THAT OF AN UNDEAD?"

"Because I'm just that awesome?" Ranma tried.

"NO," the word was delivered with the finality of the grave, making Ranma wince. "YOUR JUSENKYO CURSE IS INTERFERING," Death stated as he came to a halt beside the Jusenkyo guide and Ranma's father, both of whom neither noticed the robed reaper or Ranma. Death pointed his scythe at the pools. Ranma glanced out over the training grounds and then back to Death.

"Jusenkyo?" Ranma frowned as he parroted.

"SPECIFICALLY THE SPRING YOU FELL IN. YOUR CURSED FORM IS UNDEAD YOU SEE, BUT YOUR TRUE FORM IS ALIVE AND HUMAN. YOU JUST NEED TO WAIT TO COME BACK TO LIFE."

"You mean...I'm not dead? Woohoo! I'm not dead! I'm not dead!" Ranma cheered and almost burst into a happy dance at the news.

"TECHNICALLY, YOU ARE DEAD," Death's comment brought Ranma back down to Earth with a bump. "BUT YOU STILL CAN LIVE AGAIN, BEING AS YOU'RE CURRENTLY SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN. NEITHER HERE NOR THERE."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"ACTUALLY THAT'S A TERRIBLY BAD THING."

"Why?"

"IT PREVENTS ME FROM DOING MY JOB."

"Well excuse me for not letting you kill me," Ranma dead-panned.

"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I DON'T KILL ANYONE," Death glowered as he leaned over the sort of dead martial artist, cowering him. "AS THE ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH, MY JOB. NO, MY DUTY, IS TO ASSIST THE SOULS OF THOSE WHO'VE DIED MOVE ON, NOT KILL. I DO A VALUABLE PUBLIC SERVICE. WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN IF NOBODY HELPED THE DEAD MOVE ON, HMMM? A WORLD FULL OF GHOSTS AND TOO MUCH LIFE-FORCE TO SUSTAIN CAUSING A DEVASTATING COLLAPSE OF THE RULES OF THE MULTIVERSE LEADING TO A FINAL SOLUTION OF NO MORE LIFE. WOULD YOU WANT THAT?"

"Okay, okay! I get it!" Ranma leaned away from the towering skeleton.

"GOOD," Death stepped back giving Ranma space to breath again, metaphorically speaking. "NOW, LETS SEE WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT YOUR LITTLE...PROBLEM."

"Huh? You're going to help me?"

"OF COURSE."

"But why?" Ranma scratched the top of his head.

"WHY NOT?"

"But, but, you're Death," Ranma pointed out.

"ACTUALLY MY HEARING IS QUITE FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH," Death grinned, which was actually his permanent expression really. Ranma blinked and then stared at the grim reaper as if he had two heads.

"THAT WAS A JOKE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO, HA. HA."

"Right," Ranma drawled. "You know, for the shinigami you're not exactly how I pictured you."

"REALLY? WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING? A GINGER, SPIKY HAIRED GUY WITH AN EVIL LOOKING MASK AND A MASSIVE SWORD?"

"You're really...odd," Ranma gave a small chuckle. Death cocked his head to the side as he wondered whether to mention that wasn't actually a joke. He decided not to and instead stepped up to the Jusenkyo guide.

"They can't see or hear us right?" Ranma asked as he watched Death.

"TECHNICALLY THEY CAN IF THEY WISH TO, BUT MOST MORTALS WILL REFUSE ON THE BASIS THAT THEY DON'T LIKE BEING REMINDED ABOUT THEIR MORTALITY."

"So how are you going to help me?"

"THEY MAY NOT WANT TO SEE ME, BUT THAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY STOP ME FROM MAKING SUGGESTIONS," Death explained and then leaned in close to the Jusenkyo Guide. "NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO BOIL SOME WATER."

"Ah! Mr Customer!" the Jusenkyo Guide suddenly blurted out as he remembered he should be explaining to the remaining customer about the way the curses worked. "I be right back. You no run off, yes?"

Genma ignored the guide, his only concern was how he was going to explain how he had gotten their son killed to his wife in such a way he'd keep his own life.

"That's...really useful," Ranma stated as he watched the portly Chinese man rush back to is hut. "Are you allowed to do that?"

"IT'S TECHNICALLY NOT...DISALLOWED," Death turned back to Ranma. "PEOPLE ARE QUITE FREE TO IGNORE SUGGESTIONS LIKE THAT, BUT SOMETIMES THAT IS HOW IDEAS HAPPEN."

"Like with that eureka guy?"

"NO. HIS BATH WATER WAS JUST TOO HOT ACTUALLY."

"Oh."

"AH HA, HERE HE IS WITH THE HOT WATER," Death pointed behind Ranma at the Jusenkyo Guide. Ranma looked over his shoulder and watched the guide run back over.

"Here Mr. Customer, I fix your curse, yes?" the Jusenkyo Guide poured some of the water from the kettle over Genma's head, instantly reverting him back to normal.

"Huh? What the?" Genma stepped back in surprise at having not quite hot enough to burn water poured over his head. He quickly inspected himself. "I'm cured...but the boy, damn it! Nodoka'll still kill me!"

"Huh? Who's Nodoka?" Ranma looked to Death, to which Death shrugged his ignorance. The reaper then leaned in close to the guide once again and made another suggestion.

"POUR THE HOT WATER ON RANMA'S REMAINS PLEASE."

"Aiyah, I have sudden urge to pour water on remains. Strange yes?" the Jusenkyo Guide said all of a sudden, startling Genma out of his thoughts. The Jusenkyo Guide poured the remaining hot water onto the ashes.

Ranma felt the strangest of sensations as one moment he was next to Death watching the proceedings, then he felt a strange tugging and everything blurred. The next thing he knew, he was sitting on the ground with hot water dripping off his head.

"What?" Ranma blinked in surprise even as the Jusenkyo Guide and Genma both jumped away in surprise as Ranma suddenly reappeared. The young Saotome quickly checked himself over, pulling open his gi to double check his gender. "I...I live! Again! Woohoo!" Ranma bounded to his feet and really did do a happy jig this time.

"Boy?" Genma grabbed Ranma's shoulders to make sure he was really real.

"Pops! I'm back!"

"I'm so happy!" Genma surprised Ranma as he was engulfed in a big hug. For a moment Ranma went ridged in surprise before relaxing a little. "Nodoka won't make me commit seppuku now!"

"Huh?" Ranma blinked as Genma pushed him away to arms length. The elder Saotome calmly pushed his glasses back into place on his nose. "Boy..." Genma began slowly before throwing a powerful right-hook that sent Ranma flying across the area. "Don't scare me like that ever again! I thought I was going to die!" the elder Saotome bellowed.

"You what?" Ranma pushed himself back into a sitting position while rubbing his sore jaw. "Hey! I was the one that nearly died!"

"Foolish boy! Don't you ever think about me? How was I supposed to explain you getting killed?"

"You old fart! I'm gonna kick your ass!" Ranma declared flipping off the ground and back to his feet.

"AHEM."

Ranma froze as Death cleared his throat which was quite a feat in of itself. Ranma turned to look to his left and realised the grim reaper was still there.

"I'M PLEASED YOU'RE ALIVE, BUT WE STILL MUST DISCUSS THIS PROBLEM WITH YOUR HOURGLASS," Death held Ranma's hourglass out so Ranma could see it. The sands had reappeared in the top half of the hourglass and were quickly trickling away.

"Um, should it be moving that fast?" Ranma asked the reaper and pointed at the fast flowing sand.

"YES. ACCORDING TO THIS YOU'LL DIE IN A FEW MINUTES AGAIN."

Ranma went pale as a sheet at Death's proclamation.

"Who are you talking to boy?" Genma asked as Ranma started acting as if he was talking to someone next to him. Even pointing at something no one else could see. Genma began to worry about his son's sanity as Ranma started yelling.

"What the hell? What do you mean I'm going to die in a few minutes?"

"YOUR SANDS WILL ALL BE GONE SHORTLY."

"I get that! How am I going to killed?" Ranma asked looking around the area in terror, searching for a sign of anything that could suddenly kill him.

"He is strange one no?" the Jusenkyo Guide asked from beside Genma.

"I DON'T KNOW. BUT IN ABOUT A MINUTE NOW WE'LL FIND OUT, WON'T WE," Death declared in a cheery tone.

"You're not helping at all!" Ranma declared seconds before the sky decided to open in flash downpour. Moments later the rain ceased as suddenly as it had began and the sun came back out. Ranma found himself suddenly nearly a foot shorter and female even as Genma turned into a panda again. Ranma glanced down at the feeling of weight on his chest. A quick peek revealed what he, now she feared.

"Son-of-a-bitch!" Ranma managed to state seconds before her eyes burst like egg yokes in a microwave, quickly followed by the rest of her face melting off, followed by her body bursting into flames as she was dusted for the second time that day.

"THAT LOOKED UNPLEASANT," Death remarked as the once more incorporeal Ranma palmed his face in frustration. "ON THE PLUS SIDE, WE DO KNOW WHAT KILLED YOU."


	2. Chapter 2

Vampire Half

Notes - Well I've expanded it a little. As noted by some I'm using Sir Terry Pratchett's version of Death and maybe other stuff too at a later date if this continues. For now I'll use this as an experiment in writing by keeping each chapter short, but focused on only a couple of scenes and not try to plan fifty chapters down the line and then struggle to figure out how to get there. Again, I wasn't sure whether this should be under the crossover section but I reasoned Death is pretty universal to all series so...

Another thing I'm experimenting with is, if I'm using Death from the Discworld series I might as well go the whole Hogfather and try emulating that style (which is awkward on FF as there are no pages for footnotes, so I'll keep them brief as scrolling to bottom of the story will get annoying quickly). I may get that extremely wrong as I haven't read his books for awhile, must get the latest ones. Let me know if this chapter's style is better/worse and if liked I'll probally redo the first one in the same vein (bah dum dish)

Added notes - Removed the footnotes as they don't work well, added quotes around Death's speech and minor tweaks

x-x-x

Ryouga Hibiki was on a quest. It hadn't started out as a quest, more like a minor grudge against one Ranma Saotome, but like anything that a Hibiki decided to focus on, it soon went on to become the entire focus of his existence. Four years ago he had challenged the cocky Saotome boy to a man-to-man duel in the empty lot out the back of his house. Being the obsessive type, Ryouga had set off early in the morning of the fated day that he would defeat his arch-nemesis with so many plans, plots and fantasies on how to take Ranma down running through his head that he soon found he had gotten hopelessly and utterly lost.

You see, most people assumed the Hibikis were cursed with a bad sense of direction. That was not quite true. They actually had a fine sense of direction; it was just not like everyone else's. It is a most curious thing the Hibiki sense of direction. At first glance, it appears to not work at all, on any basic level. But upon a closer examination it would be revealed that once a Hibiki set their mind to find something they were like a bloodhound; albeit, a drunken, cross-eyed and perhaps three legged bloodhound, but a bloodhound nevertheless. And, much like with a broken clock being capable of being right twice a day which depends upon the clock not being digital and not of the 24 hour variety either, a Hibiki would likely pass their target multiple times until they finally recognised it.

Which is why, Ryouga had circled the empty lot five times, the city twice and the whole northern half of Japan once before arriving late in the evening of the fourth day, to find Ranma, the coward that he was, had ran away. Actually, Genma had gotten bored, knocked Ranma out with a blow to the head on the third day and dragged him off the China.

Ignoring the minor detail that it had taken him four days to reach his destination and that no sane person would have waited that long, Ryouga vowed vengeance in true Hibiki fashion and set out to track down his nemesis. As the days turned to weeks, the weeks to months, the months to years, Ryouga grew more and more determined to find and pummel Ranma for skipping out of their man-to-man duel. The point being made here is Hibikis are an obsessive and stubborn bunch and heaven help anyone who challenged one to a gay chicken contest.

This brings us back to why Ryouga stood on the rocky outcrop above the cursed training ground of Jusenkyo. The externally lost boy stared out over the land before him and wondered once more at the top of his lungs, "Where the hell am I now?"

It would usually be around about this time that a giant panda bear would explode out of the bamboo forest behind Ryouga, followed by a redheaded girl, who would kick him off the cliff sending him to be cursed with a porcine form. But that didn't happen as Ranma was currently running around in circles, on fire as the sunlight killed her as it was wrought to do to vampires.

The shriek that echoed out of the valley below Ryouga was like that of a dying banshee being forced through a blender on puree setting. A small flock of nesting crows shot into the air and fled the area, shouting their displeasure at being disturbed. Ryouga shuddered at the hideous cry and the air around him felt as if it had been chilled by an unnatural force, as if Death himself had rode by. This was actually a very apt description as, as it happens, he had.

"What the heck was that?" Ryouga wondered as silence fell once more. After a moment the lost boy shrugged his shoulders, re-seating his backpack into a more comfortable position and pressed on. Ryouga carefully made his way down the rocky and winding path that led him into the valley of Jusenkyo. Just before he reached the bottom, the sky opened in a sudden shower that lasted less than a minute. Fortunately for Ryouga he had him umbrella to keep him dry.

Once he reached the valley floor and entered the training grounds he was greeted by a curious sight. A giant panda bear stood and stared down at a pile of dirt, while a slightly overweight Chinese man, who was looking rather green around the gills, stood a little away from the animal. He also held a kettle for reason unknown to the young Hibiki. Ryouga decided to ask for direction and wandered over to the Jusenkyo Guide, not knowing that the object of his quest, Ranma, was right there, impersonating a tiny grey sand dune.

"Excuse me," Ryouga greeted the guide as he stepped up to the man. "Could you tell me where I can find R-"

"Growl! Rawr! Rowlf!"

Ryouga turned in surprise as the panda bear had sprung into motion and was waving it's arms around, as if trying to indicate something to the lost boy.

"Is that animal yours?" Ryouga asked the Jusenkyo Guide as Genma began pointed at Ryouga's feet in a frantic manner.

"Oh no honoured customer, that's Mr. Customer," the Jusenkyo Guide replied. Genma began making lifting motions at Ryouga as he realised his point was not getting across.

'A trained panda. Must be from a circus,' Ryouga thought. It was amusing to see a panda making such motions.

"Charades right?" Ryouga guessed. "Two syllables?"

"Raaaawr!" Genma rose up and roared at Ryouga, having at last gotten sick of trying to move the boy the gentler way and resorted to violence. One of Genma's philosophies is, violence is like duct tape, if it doesn't fix things you're not using enough.

"Okay, okay! I'm leaving," Ryouga snarled back and stepped away. He glared as the bear decided to now ignore him and instead dropped to the ground to gather up the dirt into a small pile once again. "Stupid panda," Ryouga muttered under his breath and walked away from the strange animal.

x-X-x

"Ahhhhhhhhh! My body!" Ranma Saotome, martial artist extraordinaire, recently cursed to be a vampire girl at the application of cold water and currently disembodied heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts screamed his horror as the stranger trampled all over his dusty remains. Of course, his cries went unheard by the other boy.

"WELL THAT WAS RUDE," Death remarked with an air of casualness. "OF COURSE YOU CAN'T REALLY BLAME HIM FOR NOT KNOWING THAT WAS YOUR BODY, ESPECIALLY AS YOU WERE DOING A FINE IMPRESSION OF KITTY LITTER."

"I am not k-k-kitty litter!" Ranma bellowed towards Death.

"HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT SEEING A SPEECH THERAPIST FOR THAT STUTTER OF YOURS?"

"I don't stutter!"

"OH? THEN I DARE YOU TO SAY KITTY CAT."

Ranma clamped his mouth shut and narrowed his eyes. For once the Saotome heir wasn't going to rise to the bait. By the way, hell was experiencing a sudden drop in temperature.

"GOOD," Death nodded his approval. "REMEMBER THIS RANMA SAOTOME, SOMETIMES YOU CAN WIN BY NOT PLAYING THE GAME."

"Huh? Why'd you say that?" Ranma asked.

"OH...NO REASON."

"Liar, there has to be a reason."

"DOES THE SUN NEED A REASON TO RISE IN THE MORNING?"

"I'm pretty sure it does just because it's always done that," Ranma replied.

"INDEED. REMEMBER THAT."

"Are you trying to teach me something?" Ranma eyed the grim reaper as he had the sudden suspicion that Death's motives weren't just to be there so he could annoy him.

"THAT WOULD BE AGAINST THE RULES," Death replied, his voice sounded more serious than it usually did.

"What rules?"

"HMMM? OH LOOK, LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE READY TO RESURRECT YOU AGAIN," Death pointed to Genma and the Jusenkyo Guide. Genma was human again and held the steaming kettle over Ranma's remains, ready to pour the life-giving liquid.

"Oh no you don't distract me like-"

"LOOK. A CUTE KITTEN."

"Ahh! Where?" Ranma flinched and spun around seconds before he felt himself be tugged back to life. Ranma blinked for a moment in disorientation, before the gritty feeling in his throat caused him to start coughing up grit and dirt.

"It worked!" Genma cheered his relief at seeing his son reconstituted even after being scattered by that random passerby. "Boy! I demand you quit dying on me!"

"Hey! It's not like I wanted to die twice in one day!" Ranma snapped his head up to glare at his father. His face, in fact, his entire body, including his gi was covered in dirt as if he had been rolling around on the ground for the last half hour. Even his hair was messed up.

"Listen to your father for once," Genma folded his arms as he glared down. "I don't care what it takes, but I'm going to have to retrain you from scratch so this whole dying phase your going through won't become a habit!"

"What! It's your fault anyway!" Ranma snapped.

"Why, when I was a boy we didn't have the privilege of coming back to life after a burning to death!"

Ranma tuned out Genma's rant about eating rocks and travelling both ways in the snow and placed his head into his palms. "Why me?"

"ONE OF THE UNIVERSAL CONSTANTS. YOU CAN'T BE THE HERO WITHOUT GOING THROUGH THE TRIALS," Death's voice once more echoed in Ranma's head, causing the boy to glance up at the reaper.

"You're still here?"

"SHOULDN'T I BE?"

"Aren't you really busy or something? Reaping souls and wot not?"

"NOT REALLY. I CAN BE ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE AT ANYTIME. BESIDES, THERE ARE MANY MINOR DEATHS AND OTHER SHINIGAMI TO DEAL WITH THE MAJORITY OF CASES. I GENERALLY ONLY SHOW UP FOR THE...SPECIAL ONES."

"Oh great, you're making me sound like a retard," Ranma mumbled.

"That's because you're acting like one boy! Talking to yourself and -" Genma's rant was cut off mid-flow as in one smooth motion Ranma got to his feet and launched the elder Saotome high into the afternoon sky with a swift kick. Ranma nodded his satisfaction as he traced the arcing path of his father as he soared into the distance.

"Good, that'll keep him out of my hair for a few hours," Ranma sighed and ran his fingers through his messy hair.

"WAS THAT NECESSARY?" Death asked.

"Yeah. Yeah it was," Ranma nodded. He gave Death a thoughtful look. "Hey, seeing as you're Death, can you explain why I'm bursting into flames and dying every time I change?"

"BECAUSE YOU TURN INTO A VAMPIRE."

Ranma nodded to himself in understanding. Death cocked his head to the side and waited. After five minutes of silence, in which the Jusenkyo Guide decided the continuous nodding Ranma was very, very disturbed and it would be safer if he were in his hut, with the door locked, and hiding under the bed, Death finally broke the silence.

"YOU DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT A VAMPIRE IS, DO YOU?"

"Hahaha, you've got me," Ranma laughed, stopped nodding and began to rub the back of his head. Death sighed, sounding not unlike the deep rumble of a large pipe organ winding down.

"THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE, AND WOULD BE BETTER EXPLAINED UNDER COVER IN CASE OF ACCIDENTS," Death turned and began to walk towards the Jusenkyo Guide's rickety looking hut. Ranma followed until they reached the hut. Death just kept walked and passed though the door as if it weren't there. Ranma's eyebrows rose at that, but it wasn't anything too unexpected. He tried to pull and then push the door open and found it wouldn't move. Then he tried the handle and found the door was actually barred from the inside.

"Hey! Guide guy, you in there?"

There was a muffled reply in Chinese.

"Sorry? I don't know Chinese!" Ranma called through the door. The martial artist's hair stood on end when Death's head reappeared, coming through the door right before his face and scaring him enough to jump back a step. "Gah!"

"HE SAID, THERE IS NOBODY HOME," Death translated.

"He did?" Ranma scratched his head before leaning around Death's grinning visage and shouted again. "Yes there is! I heard you!"

More Chinese came back, causing Ranma to look at Death for an explanation.

"HMM, HE SAID, NO YOU DIDN'T."

Ranma frowned before trying once more. "Come on, let me in."

Another quick burst of Chinese was followed by Death's translation.

"HE SAID, NOT BY THE HAIRS ON MY CHINY CHIN CHIN."

"What kind of - bah! Never mind! Just open the door for me," Ranma did the Picard manoeuvre and palmed his face as he addressed Death. Death's head retreated as the reaper straightened back up and then unlocked the door for Ranma. It swung open and Ranma walked inside, shaking his head the entire time and mumbling insults.

From under the bed in the far corner of the shack, the Jusenkyo Guide clutched a chef's knife and stayed as quiet as he could, in hopes that the insane boy wouldn't spot him. He watched as Ranma's feet moved about his home.

"So, you going to explain?" Ranma asked Death.

"OF COURSE," Death studied the insides of the shack before nodding to himself. Turning back to Ranma he indicated that he should sit down somewhere. "THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE, HAVE A SEAT."

Death moved over to the bed and sat down on it.

The Jusenkyo Guide gave a tiny squeak of surprise as the bed creaked as if something had sat down upon it, and yet he could clearly see only Ranma's feet. The air had taken on a sudden chill for some unknown reason. Actually that was because of Death's presence, the Jusenkyo Guide just didn't know that. All he saw was Ranma fold his legs underneath himself as he sat down on the floor and looked towards the Guide's hiding place, making the poor misguided man shake.

"LETS BEGIN WITH WHAT IS A VAMPIRE SHALL WE?" Death began as he rested his scythe across his knees.

"Fine," Ranma nodded.

"A VAMPIRE IS ONE OF THE VARIOUS BREEDS OF UNDEAD, SIMILAR TO A ZOMBIE BUT NOT SUFFERING FROM BRAIN-DEADNESS OR DECAYING. Death paused as he thought of something. YOU DO KNOW WHAT A ZOMBIE IS?"

"Yeah," Ranma nodded. Death just stared. "What? Oh come on! It's a dead body that keeps moving. Sheesh!"

"JUST MAKING SURE. LIKE HUMANS, VAMPIRES COME IN ALL KINDS OF FORMS, POWERS AND WEAKNESSES. IN FACT, THEY'RE A LOT LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'LL GET. DO YOU LIKE CHOCOLATE?"

"That's kinda random isn't it?" Ranma asked.

"RANDOM? TRUST ME SAOTOME, ONE DAY CHOCOLATE MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE."

"I'll take your word for it," Ranma rubbed his forehead in confusion.

"BACK TO VAMPIRES, AS THEY'RE SO VARIED WE WON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHICH YOU'VE BEEN CURSED WITH, SO I'LL LIST THE MOST COMMON ABILITIES. THEY'RE NEARLY ALWAYS VIRTUALLY IMMORTAL, SEEMINGLY UN-KILLABLE AT TIMES. EVEN IF KILLED A COUPLE OF DROPS OF BLOOD IS OFTEN ENOUGH TO REVIVE ONE. THEY ARE GENERALLY VERY PHYSICALLY STRONG AND INHUMANLY FAST AND RESILIENT. SOME CAN CONTROL THE MINDS OF WEAKER CREATURES AND EVEN HUMANS. SOME ARE SHAPE-SHIFTERS, AND ALL ARE NOCTURNAL PREDATORS, MEANING THEY SEE WELL IN THE DARK AND HAVE VERY GOOD SENSE OF SMELL AND HEARING."

"Wow...sounds too good to be true."

"OH I FORGOT TO MENTION, THEY DEFINITELY DON'T SPARKLE. THOSE ARE ACTUALLY A CULT OF BLOOD DRINKING PIXIES THAT DELUDED THEMSELVES INTO THINKING THEY'RE VAMPIRES."

"Blood...drinking?"

"YES, A VAMPIRE WILL GENERALLY CRAVE BLOOD."

"What? You mean...I'd want to...ugh, drink blood?" Ranma looked disgusted. The Jusenkyo Guide tightened his grip on the knife as the crazy boy started to talk about drinking the blood of his enemies. This was most likely a case of mishearing as nobody accused him of understanding Japanese perfectly. The bed creaked again as something invisible shifted.

"QUITE LIKELY. TO SOME IT'S MERELY AN ADDICTION, OTHERS REQUIRE IT TO SURVIVE."

"So I might not want to?" Ranma asked hopefully.

"THAT YOU MIGHT NOT," Death shrugged.

"Okay, I know what a vampire is now. Why'd I keep dying?"

"AS WITH VAMPIRES HAVING MANY ABILITIES THEY ALSO HAVE MANY WEAKNESSES. THAT PARTICULAR ONE YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM IS A VAMPIRE CAN BE KILLED BY SUNLIGHT."

"Sunlight? You mean...if I change in the day I'll die like that, every time?" Ranma jumped to his feet as he asked the question.

"OH NO. NO. NO," Death stated which made Ranma break off from the stream of curses he was about to let loose. "ONLY DIRECT SUNLIGHT. STAYING INDOORS WORKS AND IF YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE I SUGGEST YOU INVEST IN A STYLISH HOODED ROBE, BLACK OF COURSE, MUCH LIKE MY OWN."

Ranma stared at Death while he thought things over, curiously it was at the same time that Hell's weathermen had posted a severe weather warning as temperatures plummeted.

Ranma came to a decision on his next course of action in just under a minute before he asked in a slow calm voice. "How do I get rid of this curse?"

"WELL, YOU COULD KILL YOURSELF. BUT WITH YOU, THAT'S NO GUARANTEE YOU'LL STAY DEAD," Death proclaimed, to which Ranma looked less than amused. "OR YOU COULD JUMP IN THE SPRING OF DROWNED MAN AND BE CURED."

"What? That easy?" Ranma blinked. Then with a pleased grin on his face he spun on the spot and moved towards the door.

"STOP."

Ranma froze completely as Death's "suggestion" hit him with the force of a tombstone falling from a third story window.

"I WOULDN'T DO THAT YET, IF I WERE YOU."

With a supreme effort of willpower Ranma forced his body to move again, shaking off the suggestion and turned with stiffness in his movements so he could glare at the reaper. "And why not?"

"ONE, DO YOU KNOW WHICH POOL IT IS?" Ranma shook his head as he realised Death was correct. "AND TWO, YOU NEED TO WAIT A WHILE FOR THE CURSE TO SETTLE INTO IT'S NEW HOME SO TO SPEAK. JUMPING IN ANOTHER POOL NOW WOULD BE...UNPLEASANT, LIKE WAKING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO FIND A STRANGER IN YOUR BEDROOM."

The room seemed to darken as Death finished, forcing Ranma to focus only on the twin blue specks of light in the reaper's eye sockets. A chill went through the martial artist as he wondered exactly what could make Death say that something was unpleasant.

"What should I do?" Ranma asked, breaking the silence.

"MAKING A CUP OF TEA WOULD BE NICE."

"Huh?"

"YOU ASKED ME WHAT TO DO. I'M SUGGESTING MAKING TEA. I FEEL...DRY AS A BONE," Death gave a hollow chuckle, which had all the humour of two bricks clapping, to emphasise his joke. Ranma just stared at Death. Death stared back. Ranma's eyelids lowered as he continued to stare. Death cocked his head to the side.

"HMM. MY HUMOUR REQUIRES WORK I SEE," Death reached into his robes, took out a pen and a small notepad, flipped it open to a page and wrote something down. He then placed the notepad and pen back into his robes.

"I'D STILL LIKE THAT TEA THOUGH."

"Why should I make it for you?" Ranma asked and folded his arms. Death lowered his head minutely, as if were staring out from under his non-existent eyebrows. Ranma remembered who he was talking to as the tiny blue dots bored into him. "Ah...I'll...get the kettle on," Ranma spun on his heel. He stopped after a second as he realised he couldn't see the kettle.

"IT'S STILL OUTSIDE, WHERE YOU LAST DIED," Death told him helpfully.

"Right...thanks," Ranma mumbled, not at all thankful in the least. Muttering at the unfairness of everything, Ranma went to the door, opened it and stepped outside into the light. He tensed for a second as if expecting a repeat of the last two times but soon relaxed when all he felt was warmth on his exposed skin of his face.

"Stupid curse," he growled before slamming the door shut behind him. That set into motion the smallest of vibrations that much like the effect of a tiny stone starting an avalanche, caused a series of catastrophic events to unfold. The vibration travelled up the door frame, into the rickety walls of the shack where upon it then travelled up towards the roof. Then, in a perfectly plausible event, the vibration struck the guttering, which was old and weak and predictably cracked from the application of the forces and dumped its watery contents right onto the cursed martial artist. Ranma became female and a vampire in an instant.

"Oh crap!" Ranma exclaimed as she began sizzling, steam and smoke rising from exposed skin. Ranma was lucky though, the sun was behind a thin cloud cover and didn't place its full might upon her, otherwise she would have already been reduced to an ashy pile for the third time that day. With cat-like reactions honed to perfection by survival instincts, Ranma spun around, ripped the door open, shattering one of the hinges at the application of vampiric strength and slammed into a solid wall of...absolutely nothing at all.

"What the hell?" Ranma exclaimed as she pressed up against the invisible barrier, like a mime on fire. She realised with terror she couldn't get inside and out of the burning sunlight for some reason. In desperation, she did something she normally wouldn't admit to needing. She asked for help.

"Help me!" Ranma pleaded and battered against the invisible barrier preventing her entry to the shack as the burning increased enough that her gi began to smoulder.

"OH YES," Death calmly stated as if he had just remembered an important fact. "YOU BETTER COME IN."

"Hot! Hot! Waaah!" Ranma waved her arms as the barrier vanished and she fell inside the shack, landing face first onto the cool floor. As soon as she hit the deck she scrabbled out of the sunlight and once deep into the darkened interior, began to roll around to put out the flames that threatened ignite fully and consume her.

"AS I THOUGHT," Death nodded to himself as he checked Ranma's hourglass nonchalantly and sipped tea from the plastic cup that went on the top of his thermos that sat next to him on the bed. Ranma pushed herself to her hands and knees and glared over at Death with the bloodshot eyes of a sunbather who had forgotten their sunglasses. Her skin was an angry shade of red and felt very dry and tight. Even her red hair looked dry and frazzled as it stuck up all over the place and was singed at the tips.

"SEEMS YOUR HOURGLASS NOW COUNTS DOWN TO WHENEVER YOU'LL GET HIT WITH COLD WATER NEXT. THAT'S A BOTHER," Death placed the hourglass back under his robes.

"You -cough- jerk! You could have told me!" Ranma croaked.

"BUT THEN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GONE OUTSIDE WOULD YOU, HMM?"

"Why? Why are you torturing me?" Ranma's voice cracked for a moment, before she recovered her emotional balance and glared daggers at the grim reaper.

"I CAN ASSURE YOU I'M NOT TORTURING YOU, RANMA SAOTOME."

Ranma continued to glare. Death sighed and put his cup down.

"LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN WELL, RANMA SAOTOME. YOU ARE BREAKING EVERY RULE OF THE MULTIVERSE EXISTING AS YOU ARE RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT," Death held up his hand to halt whatever retort Ranma was about to use. "A MORTAL CANNOT BE AN UNDEAD AS AN UNDEAD CANNOT BE MORTAL. A MORTAL MUST GIVE UP MORTALITY TO BECOME AN UNDEAD AND THE OPPOSITE APPLIES TO AN UNDEAD BECOMING MORTAL ONCE MORE. YOU ARE BOTH RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS MAKING YOUR HOURGLASS IMPOSSIBLE TO READ CORRECTLY."

"So what?" Ranma snapped.

"PUT IT THIS WAY *CHILD*," Death's voice hardened if that was at all possible, "IF I'VE NOTICED YOUR EXISTENCE OTHER BEINGS NOT AS FRIENDLY TOWARDS LIFE AS I WILL HAVE AS WELL. YOU HAD BETTER PRAY I FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH YOU BEFORE THEY TAKE A MORE...ACTIVE INTEREST IN YOUR EXISTENCE," Death leaned forward as he spoke, making his words lie as heavy as concrete blocks. "I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU, WITHIN THE RULES," Death's tone softened from diamond edged to merely solid stone.

"Why...why should I believe you?" Ranma asked quietly as she finally regained enough strength to stand.

"I'VE TAKEN TIME TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU, HAVEN'T I? SOMETHING I BELIEVE EVEN YOUR FATHER NEVER DOES."

"I, guess so," Ranma admitted as she looked away and stared at her feet. She turned her eyes back to Death and moved closer to the reaper. "Ok, I'll trust you for now." Under the bed the Jusenkyo Guide tensed as the cannibal's feet stopped near him. Sweat began beading on his forehead as he prayed for her to leave him be.

"Boy!" A shadow in the doorway plunged the room into a closer approximation of darkness and caused Ranma to snap her head towards the familiar shout. "How dare you disrespect your father like that!" Genma stood silhouetted in the doorway, making his glasses glow ominously.

"Oh man," Ranma groaned as all signs pointed to things heading south at a much greater speed all of a sudden.

"Do you know how far you kicked me?" Genma stalked forward and grabbed Ranma's gi, hoisting the short undead girl onto her toes. She noted her father looked a little scuffed and dirty from his landing and subsequent walk back.

"Obviously not far enough," Ranma stated.

"Why you ingrate! Why are you still a girl any-" Genma cut off and sniffed. "Hmmmmm? What smells nice? -sniff, sniff- Making me hungry. Smells like...like a barbecue! Boy! How dare you have a barbecue without me! Oh what a deceitful son I have!"

"Can I kill him?" Ranma wondered as she glanced towards Death. Under the bed the Jusenkyo Guide heard only the words, kill him.

"OH I DON'T THINK-"

"Aiyayayayayayayaya!" the Jusenkyo Guide shot out from between Death's legs swinging his knife randomly, startling Ranma and Genma who both leaned back in surprise at the sudden and random attack. Ranma was surprised enough her ponytail actually stood on edge. Before anyone could react further, the crazed guide stabbed the knife into Ranma and fled the shack, screaming in Chinese all the way as he vanished into the distance.

"MY, HOW RUDE," Death remarked.

Ranma blinked, so did Genma and then they turned back to look at each other. As one their eyes moved down so they were staring at the knife sticking out from under Ranma's collar bone.

"What was that about? And doesn't that hurt?" Genma asked finally.

Ranma tapped the blade handle experimentally. "Umm, not really. I mean, it kinda hurts but it's really...well dulled." She gripped the handle and pulled the knife out smoothly. Examining the blade revealed there was some blood, but it seemed thick, almost coagulated. She poked at the nearly bloodless wound that seemed to be closing already. Ranma also noticed that her burnt skin was now merely a light pink instead of an angry red.

"WOUNDS HEAL QUICKLY," Death stated as he noted that in his notepad.

"What are you doing over there?" Ranma asked.

"What do you mean boy? I'm standing right here?" Genma frowned as Ranma began acting strange again. Ranma ignored him.

"MAKING NOTES TO HELP FIGURE YOU OUT, Death put the pad away again. BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HE SAID, HE CALLED YOU A CRAZY FLESH EATING DEMON. VERY RUDE INDEED AS MOST DEMONS ARE QUITE LIKEABLE. AND ANYWAY, THEY DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE THE TASTE OF HUMAN FLESH. GIVES THEM THE RUNS."

x-x-x

Ryouga Hibiki pressed forward, one foot in front of the other as a full day of walking had at last taken it's toll on him. He pushed aside the bamboo and finally exited the bamboo forest he found himself in and walked onto a rocky outcrop. He held his forearm against his forehead to wipe the sweat away and looked around.

For some reason he felt as if he had been here before. In fact, unbeknown to the young Hibiki he had passed that spot four times that day as he continued to circle the area of Jusenkyo, slowly closing in on his prey like a shark; an oblivious, directionless shark.

"Where the hell am I now?" Ryouga cried once again. He paused as in reply he heard a string of babbling Chinese coming closer. Ryouga cocked his head and turned towards the sound as the voice closed in on him.

From behind a rock a familiar overweight Chinese man came hurtling out like a bat out of hell and raced blindly right at the lost boy. Ryouga reacted with the smooth trained reactions of a martial artist and jumped out of the way to avoid the screaming man.

Right off the cliff.

"Oh hell!" Ryouga exclaimed as he fell. Good thing there were those pools to break his fall.


End file.
